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They say "hindsight is 20/20".  Now that I have a little girl of my own,  I’ve been doing  a lot of thinkng about my own childhood.  While I have lots of wonderful, happy memories, I also have a lot of regrets. The kind of thing that makes one think "Gee… if I had known then what I know now, things would have been different!" .

What would I do differently if I could?  Here are some things, in no particular order of importance (except the first):

- Most importantly,  I would have valued myself more. I had such low self-esteem that I made some very poor choices.  I should have valued my body, my intellect, my spirit more.  I still struggle with this. I need to learn to see myself as God sees me- beautiful, smart, confident, a person worth loving. Fortunately I have been given a husband who reminds me!  I pray almost everyday that when she is older, Hannah will have the wisdom to see that she is "worth the wait". 

   - In connection with the first,  I would have stood up to the bullies in my life.  When you are constantly being teased and pushed around, you begin to believe what they say. This has affected me until this very day.  I don’t know which would break my heart more- if Hannah were bullied, or if she became a bully.  Another earnest prayer I have is that she will be able to channel her already obvious leader-tendencies to good.  Many times all it takes to fend off a bully is for someone else to come and just stand alongside the one being bullied- to stand up for them.  I pray Hannah will be able to be a friend when someone needs it most- even when that person is not "cool". 

-  I would have paid more attention to my Grandma’s stories of her own childhood.  I would have recorded it, either on tape or in a notebook. Family histories are so important, and with families being so spread out, it is easy to lose your identity.  Carrying on family traditions, nurturing values, avoiding negative tendencies, can help keep connections and a sense of "belonging".

- I would have appreciated my father more when I was younger.  I was so wrapped up in "me" and so busy being sensitive that I could not see the wonderful man he is.  He is a kind, generous, talented, loving, very funny, very smart, sensitive, supporting person who loves me and our family very much.  There’s not much he wouldn’t do for us. I’ve put a wonderful shot of Dad and Hannah in my photo albums.

- On the same note, I would have seen the willingness of my mother to set aside her own needs and wants to make others- especially me- happy.  (Sometimes to a fault!) I only hope I can be like that with my own family.  It’s not easy!  There’s a nice picture of her in my photos too.  Check them out!

- I wouldn’t have quit the violin at the age of 16.  I did take it up again a few years ago, but a loss of 20 years’ worth of practice can’t be made up with a family in tow!

- And with that,  I would definitely have taken Celtic fiddling along with the classical training.  Dog-gone it,  I know I can do it, but again… if only I had started when I was 8!  Imagine how good I’d be by now, 32 years later.   All I can do now is dream about it!  (I’ll play jigs and hornpipes in heaven.. d’ya think I can ask for a fiddle instead of a harp?)

- I would have paid more attention in botany and biometrics class! I would have kept all my notebooks too!

- I would have tried to be calmer when Hannah was a newborn.  I was so tense and frazzled that I didn’t spend enough time just cuddling.  I missed so much.  IF there’s a #2 in the future, I need to remember that laundry and lesson-plans aren’t as important as my baby!

I guess one good thing about hindsight is the fact that you can hopefully teach your children to learn from your own mistakes. I think this is one true way of going back and undoing the past- making sure your beloved children won’t have the same regrets!

I might think of other things, in fact I probably will.  Check back and see.